From the Cave

Thus begins my confessional. My expurgation, my long-distance hurl, my letting a little air out of the tires. I will not offer any statement of purpose nor outline any rules. This after all, is not for you. It's for me. And if any of you do end up connecting to the drops of thought from my head, well then, this is for us I suppose.

A good friend of mine, U., has a blog. She, like myself, has an active imagination. She is one of the most intense observers I have ever been around. She sits at the end of the table, or on the rug, and watches with piercing blue eyes. Alert eyes, dancing, electric with thoughts. Maybe she keeps quiet because she was warned one too many times as a kid to keep the absurd, the twisted, the grotesque, the outlandish bubbles of thought to herself. I really get a kick out of her. I love the way her mind works. And we both have been fighting to express our creativity in the world. We have both been fighting for our freedom. She has her blog and it seems to be some kind of key she carries around her neck. After meeting with her yesterday, I was inspired to create my own space to air my mental laundry.

I put my fist through a door last night. It felt great. My knuckles are kind of sore today, but it got me in touch with a primeval masculine side. The caveman. The angry man is the one who has banished his caveman. Who doesn't let him growl and grunt and have random erections pointing in different directions. It is springtime and my caveman has been banging at my gate. It felt good to let him have a say last night. The crack of the wood of the door from the force of my fist. I have never gotten in a fist fight, but I saw Fight Club, and the idea every once in a while strikes me as appealing.

But I am a civilized man living in New York City. I am an educated man. And I am a pacifist at heart. It's interesting how the creator and the destroyer often come hand in hand. That's the whole notion behind the Hindu god, Shiva. I always found the idea of Shiva intimidating. That which creates to destroy and destroys to create. And soon, after the cycle goes on long enough, creation and destruction become one and the same process.

I dream of a life where I am compensated and respected for the highest aspects of my self, my soul. I dream of a life where monogamy isn't such a challenge. I dream of having a community that I don't have right now. A bohemian community of thinkers, lovers, sensualists, spiritualists, philosophers, creators. I dream of being okay with myself just one day and see how that feels for one whole day. I imagine that's what freedom is.